Losing myself to the virus…
It’s actually so strange to write this blog.
Strange because it’s not so “cacao-related”, strange because I’m about to write about having covid-19 - the virus that has been ruling, dictating, altering and changing our lives for the last two years… aka I’m writing about something that is common to us all.
But I think I need to write this for myself. I ran ceremony a few days ago after 3 weeks of barely seeing another human because I was unwell & isolating and it was a remedy for my soul to be in that circle. To hear others share, to feel the gathering of a group of like-hearted humans. It either coincided with or was what began to lift the depression that had taken hold of me during my time of “infection”. I needed that circle as much as anybody else there and so writing this is the next step in releasing this experience, in catharthis.
I got covid the day I returned to Melbourne after 6 months living in the NT and 2 days before Christmas. I think that didn’t help, not the Christmas part but the fact that I had not yet really returned to Melbourne and already I was isolated. I didn’t have a chance to find my groove, to reconnect with this city after all this time away. Oh and I had also just moved house.
The physical symptoms for me, aside from the deep fatigue, were mild. Lengthy, but mild. As long as I stayed resting in bed I was okay. I didn’t have a fever, I barely ached, I didn’t go through what some of my friends have even described as the “medicine journey like” sweats. But the numbness that came to town in my being has been deep. It was textbook depression. Numb, bored, apathetic, no desire or motivation for life, loss of appetite, no feeling good but also not technically feeling bad - nothingness and nihilism.
As I write this there’s this expectation from myself to find the lesson.
There’s two I can easily note; 1. slow down and 2. empathy.
That is that even after 2 years of on again off again lockdowns my system needed to stop and do absolutely nothing for a few weeks rather than fill my time with things.
And the second; giving me an understanding (mild & brief) of what clinical depression is like so I can be more understanding to those who do go through it
‘Lesson 1’ relates to how I’m coming out of this haze as well. Slowly.
Yes, its a little unfamiliar to me having time, having space, going slow… I’m used to operating from such high gear! I’m also aware I need to “watch myself”... watch for the slipping back quickly into the fast lane. I just had a call with my Chinese Doctor (the woman I go to for all my health needs as she’s been amazing after years of struggle) and she too reminded me to keep taking it slow, to treat my body as though its still in recovery because - it is!
I’m also very aware that we teach what we need to learn, I say it often, its why I work with cacao and my spaces focus on spaciousness, stillness, silence. Slowing down to actually tune into the heart, the body, the spirit. In this case spirit is asking me to bring it down a few notches and in that I’ll get to be more present. And that I imagine will offer more lessons, learnings & life!